I bet, like, two people get the reference in the title of this thing. And to those two people let me say: I feel your pain. My parent's raised me on Hee-Haw as well.

Anyhow, my buddy Pete (a.k.a. ) tagged me with one of those "Eight Special Facts About Yourself" things. I think we all know what I'm talking about there. So....

1. I have an anxiety (some might call it an irrational fear) about bears. I very often have dreams where bears are attacking and eating me and I secretly fear that this is the method my death will manifest itself in. Thank God Stephen Colbert made this kind of paranoia cool.

2. I hate the music of Tool. People are constantly trying to convince me that I should like Tool and their overwrought dense music. Those people are wasting their time.

3. I suck at video games. It's true. When I was growing up my parents refused to buy me an Atari 2600 no matter how much I whined about it. Later they didn't buy me a Nintendo, a Sega, an Intelevision, a Game Boy or anything else of the ilk. As a result I neither understand nor enjoy most video games.

4. I think Frank Miller is a hack. Not that he was always a hack, his Dark Night and Daredevil stuff was cool, but everything since about 1989 has sucked and I get tired of people refusing to admit it. "300" is a turd, people, a big disgusting turd. I might also feel this way about Clive Barker.

5. I used to be a vegetarian. Yeah, for about a year after I took LSD for the first time. During the trip I realized that eating dead things was disgusting. Fortunately, later I realized that I was just stupid high when I thought that and that, in fact, dead animals are delicious.

6. I think I'm done taking drugs. Yeah, I'm going to stick to just getting drunk from now on. Last time I got I high I spent the whole time worrying that my heart was gonna explode from all the fatness pressing in all around it. Once you're over 30, I think the fun factor drops way off.

7. I think kittens are adorable. But then, so does everybody else.

8. I laugh too hard at my own jokes. Really, no shit, I think I'm fucking hilarious.

I opt not to pick any other people, we'll just let these shenanigans die with me.